Living With C-PTSD and Chronic Illness: Holding Onto Faith Through Difficult Days

An unfortunate commonality for many of us who have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is having medical diagnoses as well. At one point, I was in the hospital with myoclonic seizures. This particular day that I wrote this, I had four seizures, was in the hospital and had the entire medical team trying to diagnose me with Conversion Disorder, or modern day hysteria. As I laid in my bed, I wrote this. I hope that you can glean some hope and inspiration for very difficult days. I believe in God and know He is my Strength.

Warning! This is a long post because I just feel like sharing. Today was another rough day. Four seizures. Also, the reality of all of this was lying heavy upon Leif and I. However, we came through this day. Why? Because we were able to get our focus off of our worries, the medical doctors and diagnosis, the limitations for us now in daily life and with our children, the pain and distress of these seizures and instead focus upon the Word. Upon His Truth. To turn away from the lies of the world and its limitations and be reminded that we are subject to God. He is the healer. He is the master physician. He is the Truth and all honor and power and glory belong to Him and Him alone. We are brought to healing and revelation not through what the world tells us, but through what God directs us to understand and only in His timing.
I was struggling with the “Why me?”and “Why now?” and “What now?” questions. I was in a low place. However, Leif started re-reading to me some of the posts and responses from you. I was reminded that we are to look at things through an eternal perspective. Is this really harming me? It is… Physically, mentally, and emotionally, but not spiritually. He is the great Shepherd. He has us in the palm of His hand and we will not fall unless we choose to. What a crazy choice to make. Yet, when the dark places never seem to let up, the temptation is great. The choice often is of ease over endurance, niceties over completion, trifles over great abundance and flattery over true and devoted love.
Some seem to be blessed with easy lives and some never seem to have let up in the struggles, but we as outsiders can only have a limited perspective. God always has an eternal perspective. It is in learning holiness that we see a glimpse of His perfect vision and plan. Jesus didn’t come here to keep us at ease, but to understand that even though we may walk through the valley of the shadow of death, we are not now, nor have we ever been alone. He guides us, protects us, and provides for us only if we allow Him to. He suffered on the cross not so that we stay in a place of grieving, but so that we can be resurrected with Him and be washed white as snow. We are no longer slaves to our pasts. We are no longer victims of our circumstances, but we are made new and renewed with a new name. He doesn’t even pay attention to our past. When we are washed in the blood of Jesus, we are new creations and new beings.
We are not to trust in things of this world, but are to trust in His Truth. Even when that Truth becomes hard to understand and/or our human nature wants to flee, His Truth is always perfect. He does not want us to live in extremes, we can be there temporarily, but we should not dwell there permanently. He wants us to lie in fields of green grass with streams of clean, fresh water running by. He wants us just to abide and be. To be with the Shepherd. He doesn’t ask for anything in return except for us to abide with Him.
Today, like I said earlier, I was overwhelmed by circumstances. I was questioning His Truth. I was tempted to just try another path….and I was OK if that path led to a deep dark hole that I could just crawl into and hide out in forever. I don’t think, humanly speaking, anyone would be surprised by that. In fact, that would be expected. However, my husband, my help meet, stood in where I was weak and reminded me, with the help of the verses, prayers, reminders, and God hugs that you have sent me, that we are not alone, nor have we ever been. There is an eternal perspective that is beautiful, precious, and full of kindnesses. Sometimes, we may feel we just have to look harder, but His beauty is overwhelming.
Restore my soul Oh God. Help me to hold onto your perspective and plan, whether it is firmly with two hands or seemingly barely with just the tip of my finger. Here is something that God has shown me through this. One night, back in April, I had enough. I felt defeated, deflated, and devastated. I went into the back bathroom, stood there with tears streaming down my face and anger in my heart and mind. I got out “Dear God, Help me!” Then, a spewing of uncontrollable profanity poured out of my mouth. I couldn’t stop. When I was all done, I felt shame. We aren’t supposed to pray like that…right!?!….that was far from holy. Then God broke through my thoughts. He reminded me that He knows us and that He already knows our thoughts. He is just waiting for us to bring our thoughts to Him. For if we do, it is not sin.
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Have a beautiful day,

Amanda Olson